Why Childhood Shapes Our Relationships
How early experiences can lead us into harmful patterns - and how to break free. (Estimated reading time: 5 min)
When love feels complicated, many of us quietly wonder: “Why do I keep ending up in relationships that hurt?” The truth is, our earliest family dynamics often write the blueprint for how we connect. If you had a tricky or unstable childhood, you may be more likely to repeat painful patterns in adulthood — not because you’re broken, but because your nervous system learned to call those patterns “home.”
When Childhood Stunts Emotional Growth
Children depend on emotionally present, mature caregivers to help them learn how to regulate feelings, build trust, and navigate conflict. But when caregivers are emotionally immature or unavailable, children often grow up having to suppress, deny, or manage emotions prematurely. Research shows that this stunts emotional maturity, leaving lasting effects on relationships (Psychology Today on Emotional Immaturity).
This can look like:
- Difficulty expressing needs directly
- Attracting partners who replicate early neglect or criticism
- Mistaking intensity or chaos for love
When love feels familiar, we don’t always realize it can also be harmful.
The Patterns We Inherit
Growing up with emotionally immature parents can plant patterns deep in the subconscious. Dr. Lindsay Gibson’s research highlights that children of such parents often struggle with self-doubt, people-pleasing, and fear of abandonment (Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents). These patterns are not signs of weakness — they are survival strategies that once helped you cope in a difficult environment.
But in adult relationships, those same strategies can leave you vulnerable to unhealthy dynamics, repeating the very cycles you long to escape.
The coping strategies that protected you as a child may be the same ones holding you back as an adult.
The IMAGO Connection
Psychologists Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt introduced the concept of Imago theory — the idea that we are unconsciously drawn to partners who resemble our early caregivers, in both strengths and wounds (Imago Relationships International). The subconscious drive is not to suffer, but to heal old pain through reenactment. Unfortunately, without awareness, this often prolongs harm rather than creating resolution.
Recognizing this pattern is empowering: once you see that you’re seeking familiar dynamics to “finish unfinished business,” you can begin choosing relationships that nurture rather than repeat pain.
We don’t seek partners to suffer — we seek them to heal. Awareness helps us do it differently.
The Hope of Healing
The beauty of this truth is that patterns are not destiny. Research in neuroscience and psychology shows that emotional maturity and attachment patterns can be rewired through intentional healing, therapy, and safe relationships (National Library of Medicine on attachment change). What once felt inevitable — being drawn to the same harmful dynamic again and again — can be replaced with authentic love, mutual respect, and peace.
Your past shaped you. It doesn’t have to define your future.
Healing Takeaway
When you notice attraction to someone, gently ask yourself: “Does this feel familiar… or does it feel safe?” That one question can begin to separate old patterns from new possibilities.
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References & Recommended Reading:
- Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller — a widely read, clear guide to attachment theory in adult relationships.
- Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson — grounded in Emotionally Focused Therapy, about building safe, lasting bonds.
- Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix — introduces Imago theory and why we’re drawn to certain partners.
- Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker — explains how childhood trauma impacts relationships and how to heal.
With care from my heart to yours,
Shannon
Shannon Sanguinetti M.Sc. | Founder of Repor - Where Science Meets Soul
