Heal First, Love with Awareness
Why rushing into relationships — or numbing distractions — only deepens the wounds you’re meant to heal. (Estimated reading time: 4 min)
We live in a world that tells us to “move on quickly.” Start dating again. Find a new hobby. Keep busy. Distract yourself. But the truth is, when we leap into relationships, numbing habits, or surface-level escapes before we’ve done our inner healing, we don’t actually move forward — we move in circles.
Healing first isn’t selfish. It’s wise. And it’s the most loving thing you can do for yourself and your future relationships.
Why Relationships Before Healing Set You Back
Unhealed wounds don’t disappear just because you’ve found someone new. Instead, they tend to resurface in sharper, more painful ways. Studies on trauma and attachment show that unresolved childhood patterns get triggered in intimate relationships (NIH on attachment & trauma). This often results in:
- Choosing partners who mirror old wounds
- Reacting out of fear over presence
- Reliving patterns of abandonment, conflict, or mistrust
If you haven’t healed, relationships don’t fix the pain — they magnify it.
Rather than building love, these dynamics can waste your most precious resources: time, emotional energy, and trust.
The Cost of Numbing and Distraction
It’s not just relationships — numbing with food, endless scrolling, alcohol, overworking, etc. may provide temporary relief, but the pain is simply pushed aside, not resolved. Research confirms that avoidant coping strategies increase anxiety, depression, and long-term stress (Frontiers in Psychology on avoidance).
Every moment spent numbing is energy borrowed from your healing. It delays the very peace and freedom you’re longing for.
Distraction feels like movement, but it’s often just running in place.
Why Healing First Changes Everything
When you take time to heal — truly heal — you create space for relationships to be healthy, nourishing, and lasting. Neuroscience shows that emotional regulation, self-worth, and resilience improve when we commit to inner work like subconscious reprogramming and active commitment to changing our habits. (APA on resilience and mental health).
Instead of attracting relationships out of need or fear, you begin to choose from wholeness, calm, and authenticity. Instead of wasting resources in cycles of pain, you invest them in growth, self-trust, and joy.
When you heal first, love becomes a choice — not a coping mechanism.
The Hope in Waiting
Healing takes time, but it’s not wasted time. Every step inward prepares you for deeper joy outward. By tending to yourself before seeking love, you not only protect your heart — you ensure that the love you find has space to last.
Your healing is the best gift you can give to your future self, your relationships, and your peace.
Healing Takeaway
List three nourishing activities that restore your energy (like walking, singing, cooking, journaling). Each time you’re tempted to seek comfort in a relationship, screen, or habit that drains you, practice choosing one of these instead.
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References & Recommended Reading:
- The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. — foundational work on trauma, healing, and the body-mind connection.
- How to Do the Work by Dr. Nicole LePera — practical tools for self-healing and awareness.
- Polyvagal Theory in Therapy by Deb Dana — how nervous system regulation creates safety in love and life.
- Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach — about meeting ourselves with compassion as the foundation for healthy love.
With care from my heart to yours,
Shannon
Shannon Sanguinetti M.Sc. | Founder of Repor - Where Science Meets Soul
